This is my official brain dump, prior to starting therapy. I have so much running through my mind. Maybe by spitting it out in a totally non-organized and random way will help me a bit.
My journey begins on Friday when I see a counselor through the employee services service (redundant much?) at work. I have an appointment scheduled for next week with an actual therapist … but I didn’t get a good “vibe” on the phone when making my appointment … so I’m cancelling that for now and going this route. These folks will see me at least twice, make some recommendations and hook me up with an appropriate therapist, based on my needs. I’m hoping this will get me two things: 1) a therapist I can trust and relate to and 2: a doctor within the health system where I work, which makes things so much easier. At least some of the time.
I am home from a week off, although I had a good time (a FANTASTIC time) it cannot be classified as a vacation. It was a convention and was packed with schedules and time frames and places to be and all the things that do NOT equal a vacation for me. All that schedules do is make me crazy, with the possibilities of being late, where do we park, how long will it take to get there, do we have the right ticket, etc, etc, etc. After living through this week, and looking back on the past conventions, it is more and more clear to me that I have some serious issues that I need help in learning how to deal with.
A good thing about this convention is that I was surrounded by lots and lots and lots of people. This caused a couple of things to happen. I had to pretend (which I have found I am VERY good at) to be in a great mood most of the time and I was never alone or by myself. Which is when I wallow and tend to take a nose dive. I had my ups and downs mind you, and more than one of what could be classified as some sort of attack or breakdown and I was happy as a clam to just sit in my room when I had the opportunity. But being around people kind of forced me to be more “up” than “down.” Not sure yet if that is a good thing or a bad thing …. because ….
Now that I’m home I want absolutley nothing to do with people at all. I had a meeting on Monday night that got cancelled and I was thankful that I got to just stay at home. Coming to work on Tuesday was downright painful and I had my phone in my hand to call off at least three times … but I pushed through and came in anyway. I’m sure my co-workers think I’m mad at them or anti-social or just plain bitchy … but I’m here and working and some days that I all I can muster.
Tomorrow looks to be a very busy and VERY stressful day and I already got the shakes and nearly burst into tears twice today just thinking about it.
And then there are the headaches and vibrations in my head, which I still have, since May 16. I know that this is not helping me either. The fact that my Neurologist is just happy to sit back and wait and see if the medication will eventually work makes me crazier than I already clearly am. I’m really hoping a therapist will help teach me how to deal with all of this wacked out emotion I have brewing inside and maybe give me something that will help, becuase what I’m on now doesn’t seem to be helping much of anything.
This will be the first of what I hope will be many posts regarding this journey to find my happy place again. I’m not sure what has caused me to spiral so out of control so quickly. I know I have had these feelings and thoughts and tendencies for a long, long time, but for some reason it is really bad right now. I’m amazed my husband hasn’t drop kicked me out of the house yet … but there is still time I suppose. One of the main things I want to gain from this is learning how to talk to him without feeling attacked or getting defensive or taking on all the blame and guilt. I know he is trying and hopefully I can learn how to help him understand without just getting all bitchy and pissed off … which is something I found I am also very good at.
Here is to better days ahead. I try to stay positive. It is summer and I love the sun. My vacation wasn’t really much of a “vacation” for me, so I’m thinking of taking an extra long weekend in a couple of weeks just to chill at home, get the kids to the pool and actually-for-real relax a bit.
Wish me luck for work tomorrow. If things go too badly … they may just cart me over to the psych ward right from our office. I’m going to concentrate on rainbows and unicorns.
Or maybe unicorns pooping rainbows? Whatever works.