I seem to be making some progress. Little baby steps of progress, which are better than no steps at all.
I called my Neurologist’s office yesterday to chat about the fact that at week three of the new meds I continue to have symptoms, and to also broach the therapy question. When I saw him three weeks ago, he indicated that the majority of my symptoms and complaints were all anxiety/depression driven. Now, at that point, I had just spend a solid week feeling like I had a phone stuck on vibrate just sitting in my head going off 24-7 with some actual headache pain scattered around here and there for some added interest. So yeah, after 7 days of that I was pretty anxious and kind of depressed. He started me on Clonazepam, which had helped my vibrating head the last time I had it a couple of years ago. He said he’d see me back in a month to re-evaluate and “talk about some other things we can do.” Because he mentioned the anxiety/depression and had me fill out two or three depression questionnaires … I assumed the Other Things he referred to was most likely seeing a therapist of some sort. Hence, my asking the question on the phone yesterday. I’m to the point where I’m certain I’m losing my mind. Either from the non-stop symptoms (aside from the head vibrating and pain I also have dizziness and loss of balance and very shaky arms and hands – mostly on the right side) or from really losing my mind. So if he wants me to see a therapist … I am ALL ABOUT THAT … let’s do that NOW. I don’t want to wait another week for him to say, “yeah, I think you should see a therapist” and then refer me. Just refer me now and get it over with.
The nurse called me back within about 20 minutes and said that I should double up my dose of Clonazepam. Nothing about the therapist. At all. Silence. So maybe that wasn’t his intention. Maybe I’m not crazy? Now I’m just confused. But I digress …
I doubled up my dose last night and this morning I felt better when I got up. I still felt pretty decent when I got to work. Tired, still, but no vibrating head. Until about 10:30. Then it started up and hasn’t stopped. But I’m trying to stay positive. I look at it like this: when I started on the drug three weeks ago, it caused the vibrations to not start right when I got out of bed, but a couple of hours after that. Doubling the dose caused it to delay another couple of hours. Maybe if I just take one more pill every night … they’ll stop?
Kidding. Kind of.
I see him next week on Tuesday. I’ll give the double dose a couple more days to see if it helps. If it does help and my vibrating body stops vibrating and I start feeling less crazy … maybe I’ll re-evaluate the urgent need for therapy and will wait to see what he says on Tuesday.
However, if the vibrating doesn’t stop … I may just kill him on the spot. If it does stop and I still feel crazy … I’m calling my PCP (again) to go and chat with him about therapy. He is the one who put me on anti-depressants to begin with. Seems logical to go back to him about this one too.
My main point I wanted to make is that I didn’t feel like slamming my head against the wall until at least 10:30 today. That feels like a victory! And that is all at once fantastic and kind of sad … but I’m doing my damndest to keep my thoughts positive. I try to joke about it at work and keep things lighthearted. I seemed to be much more “up” today than yesterday. Which either means the positive thinking is working.
Or I’m bipolar.
I have a question …. If I end up being bipolar …. can I choose my own poles? Do they have to be North and South … ’cause I hate the cold. Are there poles on the equator? Those would be much better.
Sun makes me happy.