Let it go.
Such simple phrases. So very hard to do.
The tests say everything is basically normal. My mind and body don’t really agree. Reconciling the two is extremely difficult and I am really struggling with it. A lot.
I need to let go. I need to not worry. I need to relax. I need these things so that I feel like I can be a fully functioning person again. I also need to know how in the hell to make this happen.
I guess I can start with acceptance. I have depression. Not just the I’m-feeling-kinda-blue depression but the: mind numbing (quite literally actually), always trying not to cry, don’t want to do anything or go anywhere, ache deep in my bones kind of depression. This has become worse because of my current health issues (which I will get into in another post) but I need to be honest with myself and admit that I was pretty darn depressed before that. Now I have have more severe depression and some anxiety thrown in as well.
I’ve seen my neurologist and PCP. Had an MRI that shows “something” or “nothing” and now am waiting for six months for a repeat MRI to see if they can tell more then. In the meantime, worry and letting go are very difficult things to do. I’m already on anti-anxiety and anti-depression drugs, but they are not really working much at all. So I need to move on in some fashion, and this is where my goals come in.
I have a long term goal, for my summer break from school and to reach that goal I will have some weekly goals as well.
Summer goal: Learn how to let go, relax and not worry.
My first weekly goals: contact my PCP or Neurologist and get a therapist referral. Get a plan together to get my symptoms (non-mental as well as mental) under control. (Having a headache and/or the feeling that there is a loose pager on vibrate in my head non-stop for over a month is not a nice thing to deal with). Then, I need to start de-stressing my life.
This blog will serve as an outlet for me to write. About my journey to stress free living (hahahaha!) as well as whatever else I want or need to write about. I welcome support and suggestions and things that might make me laugh. I also welcome positive thoughts and prayers. Any and all are welcome.
I will close this post with a quote I found regarding depression:
“You handle depresssion in much the same way you handle a tiger.” – Dr. R. W. Shepherd
I have no idea what this means … but the mere thought of the word tiger took me directly to the movie “The Hangover” … which made me smile.
So that’s something.